MC Gizza Tab's Blog

Hello and welcome

2006-11-10T13:20:00.000Z

The following is some of my work i've written and peformed over the past 2 years...Hope you all enjoy them

Oh and thanks for visiting my site

Chris Ramsay

If....Like ya knaa

2006-11-10T13:19:00.000Z

IF you can keep hold of your ticket while all the charvas
around you are “losing” theirs
IF you can be sure of you’ve got one with you when all the inspectors doubt you
And because the lifts are down you use the stairs
IF you can wait at the platform and not get tired of waiting
Being insulted by pissed charvas who like to get so merry
You know they don’t look too good or talk to wise wearing fucking fred perry

IF you can dream of them being faster
or give your seat up to those who are lame
IF you can deal with that twat’s ghetto blaster
blasting out songs that sound the same
IF you can bear to hear “Stand clear of the doors please”
for the fucking two hundredth time
Or find that one of the windows is broken
cos of a charva who did the crime

IF you can escape the busy rush hour
while all the workers pack themselves in
IF you can find a place to put your rubbish
cos they’ve taken out the bins
IF you can deal with passing through the meadowell estate
all because you wanted to go to wet ‘n’ wild
And read the crimestoppers posters and wonder how many times that number has been dialled
You’ve been on the metro and you can tell them to stick it
and once more – you’ll be on valium my son

The Traveller

2006-11-10T13:18:00.001Z

The lone weary traveller gathers his worldly possessions and sets off into the night looking for SALVATION on the empty dusty streets of Newcastle.
His mind wanders from the present to the past and to the image of his BEAUTIFUL long lost love.
He thinks back to a time when he had a place he could hang his hat and call home….A young boy sitting in the warmth of an open log fire watching the box in the corner of the room his eyes fixated on the kids TV show WIZZADORA.
He’s that boy no longer…He’s become a STALKER of the night looking for scraps from pissed up revellers of busy bright light nightclubs.
He has his rules and they have theirs….A clash that would inevitably lead to REVOLUTION.
He resorts to asking for change just so he can experience a basic human right and need…a need to eat…a need to drink…a need to survive

New Years Drugs

2006-11-10T13:18:00.000Z

For the love of a maple tree with a sap in it
The attraction of the club he’s in is making him passionate
The drinks are flowing, his face is glowing
He truly feels alive on that dance floor
But he wants more
Not content with just feeling the beat
He sets off out onto the street
The hunger inside him for the music is pounding
He stands in the middle of the floor, everyone around him
Dancing, swaying
As the drinks flow easy and the music is playing
Tonight is his night; the fire inside him has ignited
He can no longer resist the beat he can’t fight it
He moves his body along with the crowd
The DJ pumps up the beat, it gets so loud
Everyone is jumping as one to the music
He is in his own world and looses it
The glass in his hand smashes, a fight has broke out
The men kick off the women begin to scream and shout
The bouncers wade in looking for that one man
He needs to escape his creates an escape plan
He dashes out with no hassle
This is just another normal night out in Newcastle
He moves on into the night the hunger has returned
From that last incident he hasn’t learned
The next club has more of those hypnotic melodies
Could it be possible for him to commit more felonies?
For some clubbers the sounds are not a joke
He pays for another round of JD and coke
Again he finds himself in the middle of where the party is at
He loves this tune and to him that is that
But he needs more, another fix perhaps
He gives out winks and pinches on bums which in return he gets slaps
But it doesn’t let it get to him, he still has his manly pride
He wont let any woman take him for a ride
The only wave he’s riding is the wave of the bass
Time out for him, moves on to next place
2am the time is as he glances
He’s a proper clubber loves to take chances
To him the music cleanses him and is a healer
But he’s mixed with the wrong crowd, a known drug dealer
He’s never done it before; to him it’s just a white powder
He contemplates it as the music gets louder
2 choices are before him, snort or don’t snort
He thinks and thinks and can he really go through with it?
He looks into the eyes of the dealer, Come on man do you want this shit?
He has his music what else does he need?
The shame of cocaine or the mellow feeling of weed
The transaction is done, he gives money and they shake hands
This has added to his party plans
He snorts the coke he has added fire
He takes to the floor the crowd has there hands out higher and higher

Silence

He feels strange something is not right
He leaves the club and sets out into the night
He stumbles and shakes, all is quiet on New Years day
He’s alone lying on the side of the road
That’s it his life story has been told
A crowd gathers around him, his face and lips are blue
If that man what would you do?
Would you be strong enough to say no?
If not, sometimes this story is the way it goes.

Tittle Tattle Tell Tale

2006-11-10T13:17:00.000Z

Miss…Miss…Thomas pushed me

Don’t tell tales chris, Don’t tell tales

Miss…Miss…Thomas hit me

Drink your juice chris, Drink your juice

Miss…Miss…He’s scratched me look

Go and play chris, Go and play

Miss…Miss… He’s just smacked iz in the gob

Just ignore him chris, Just ignore him

Miss…Miss…He’s kicked the living shite out of me

Stay away from him chris, Stay away

Miss…Miss… He’s just glassed me and said that I ever tell anyone he was going to slowly run over my testicles with a steamroller

Pipe down chris, Pipe down

Miss…Miss…That fat twat who offered me drugs last week and when I refused stabbed me and tied fireworks to the dog, came back last night a threw a brick through my window

That’ll do chris, That’ll do

Miss…Miss if you don’t help me I swear I’ll kill your whole family, make you eat dog shit and use your intestines to decorate my bedroom

Chris…see me after the lesson, see me after the lesson

Wildlife on Charvas

2006-11-10T13:16:00.000Z

Stealing, Asbos , nu monkey and after dark
Lend iz a tab, drinking cider, shopping at the den of inequity otherwise known as Primark
These are the tools every charva needs
And now we see the charva in its natural habitat trying to find a mate
“GET YA TITS OOT”
The charva is mainly nocturnal however you can see them in a pack hunting during the day for scraps
“LEND IZ TEN PENCE FOR THE METRO, HERE MATE GIZZA TAB”
The charva is both ruthless and cunning when they go in for the kill
“I’M GONNA PROPER DEE YEE LIKE”
The end of the day is nigh and the charva is ready to descend on its prey
“GANNIN TO THE IKON ME LIKE HAWAY”
One trait that all charvas have is the uncanny ability to stare down other potential predators
“WHO YEE LOOKING AT?”
And so ends our BBC wildlife on one special..Goodnight and remember if you see a charva in the street..He’s probably an inbred

?

2006-01-13T11:26:00.000Z

New Year but same old shit

2006-01-11T12:38:00.000Z

Well 2005 was an eventful one.......not for me though, well it was ok in the space of a month or so i went on holiday found a girlfriend then split up with her. Well it wasn't a mutual split i tried to change her mind but i guess it was not meant to be which is a shame as i often think what might've been.....

But i shouldn't think about that now.....Had my staff xmas party yesterday......Yes thats right we had a xmas pary in JANUARY. Next month we'll be celebrating the millenium

Hope you enjoyed your Xmas and the 2 weeks of turkey products that come with it.
Everywhere you go it was turkey on special. Then the spare turkey gets used for sarnies, salads etc etc. I was ok till my mum decided to make a turkey creme brulee. That took the piss

So Bird Flu has hit Turkey.....oh the irony.....I know every comedian is using this joke but you heard it here first

Why do people buy presents for their pets? I saw a dog walking along with a tartan coat on its back to keep warm. WHY??????? The DOG ALREADY HAS A FUCKING COAT!!!

Wearing shorts in sub zero temperatures is not a good idea

2005-11-25T11:06:00.000Z

Woke up this morning feeling fine
Lying in my bed dreaming of sunshine
But wake up to find it's freezing....Penguins knocking at my door asking if they can come in to warm themselves up a bit....So what do i do? Do i decide to have my usual british 7 layers of clothing on??

NOOOOO

I thought it would be a great idea to wear shorts with football socks to show the ladies that i'm hard......and i was hard....my legs were anyway.....They were hard because they had frozen...So instead of looking like a Fit geordie footballer who isnt afraid of the cold......I looked like a special needs lad on a day trip....Reason.......My knees had locked and my legs were in cramp.........Trying to walk down Newcastle High Street like this does nowt for the libido i tell ya.

There is a real reason why i decided to wear this attire and that was due to a Students vs Lecturers football match....at the time of writing this i'm getting wolf whistles from the penguins who have followed me to the college....anyway The match is in 6hrs time...Will we win you bet ya freezing arse we will..........The penguins are in goal that should work in our favour.

Random blah blah

2005-11-22T20:20:00.000Z

My life is influenced by drugs mainly glue sniffing...Not that i've done it....well apart from the time i shoved a pritt stick up my nostrils and had a converstaion with a pink elephant that was riding a harley.......Ok so i may have dabbled a bit but thats my fault i blame society.....and the fact that i'm a drug taking charva bastard.

I know you're expecting a song here but if i can be honest...and i usually am
I cant be arsed to write one so i'm just going to do some mindless stuff

If you dont know i once worked for a well known car insurance company...I shall not say it as i don't want to advertise them cos they're a load of cock-farmers....but then again i can't not say it as you may find you need insurance and don't know where to turn.......Let me give you some advice.........DON'T FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN'S BOLLOCK GO TO THE A.A

You may think to yourself why should i listen to this ginger charva and you'll be perfectly in your right to do so.......But take heed the AA will do/ and does rip you off. Trust me i was there in the call centre taking calls and you should see some of the stuff they can do to mess u up......I'm telling you i've seen shit that could turn you white.......If you're already white it'll turn you black and if ya black it'll turn you white......Think of it as Michael Jackson syndrome

More random stuff on its way

Another piss take song by yours truly

2005-11-16T16:44:00.000Z

This one is to the tune of The Ghostbusters theme sang by Ray Parkey jnr

My version is called DRINK FOSTERS.......not that i encourage binge drinking but.......Its fun aint it???

So here we go.......

Drink Fosters!!!
If there's nowt going on in your neighborhood
What should you do? (DRINK FOSTERS)
If you've pulled something weird an she don't look good
What should you do? (DRINK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
I ain't afraid to binge

If you've just been glassed and blood is pouring from ya head
What did you drink? (YA DRANK FOSTERS)
An ugly tart sleepin' in your bed
Oh What did you drink? (YA DRANK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
I ain't afraid to binge

What should you drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
If you've got no plan
Open up a can
And drink (DRINK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
Ya knaa i like the girls
I ain't afraid to binge
What should you drink? (DRINK FOSTERS)

Mm...if you want to fight just have a pint kidda
You better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)

Let me tell you drinking makes me feel good
I ain't afraid to binge
Don't ever drink alone oh no....DRINK FOSTERS
When police come to your door
Wanna do jail time some more
I think you better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Ooh... what you going drink? (DRINK FOSTERS)

What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Ah, I think you better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
I can't see you...(DRINK FOSTERS)
What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Louder DRINK FOSTERS
What you going drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)...(till fade)

Ann-sophie

2005-11-09T19:01:00.000Z

There is a girl called Ann-Sophie
She says i'm sexy, i get embarassed Hee-hee
She's a sweet girl with a heart thats huge
She lives in Zedelgem but i say Bruge
She's a part of my Gran Canaria Crew
We got drunk there wasn't much to do
We went mad when we listened to Gasolina
Have u met Ann-sophie? Have u seen her?
She's a cute little blonde, there's no-one sweeter
So how do i end this?
With a goodbye and a sweet little kiss

To the tune of James Blunt's "Beautiful" This is Daft Cunt's version "You're a charva"

2005-11-08T13:20:00.000Z

My life is Shit
My life is Shit

I smelt manure
I saw an Charva
Of that I'm sure
She swore at me on the metro
She was with another gadge
He said who ye looking that
And went into a radge

You're a charva
You're a charva
You're a charva, it's true
Wearing Fred perry in a crowded place,
And what you going to do?
'Cause I'll never give a tab to you

Yes, she smacked me in the eye,
As I walked on by
She tried to knick my new mobile
Don't know why
And I just hope i don't see her again
Cos she stole from me and my friend

You're a charva
You're a charva
You're a charva, it's true
You stole a bag in a crowded place
So what you going to do?
'Cause I'll never give a tab to you

(Na na na naaaa....)

You're a charva
You're a charva
You're a charva, it's true
There must be an judge with a smile on his face
When i rang the police about you

But it's time to face the truth
They'll never give bail to you.

A new song from yours truly

2005-11-08T12:51:00.000Z

This goes to the tune of Green Day's

"Wake me up when september ends"

My version is called

"Wake me up when my shift ends"

Sunday lunch has been and gone

All the daily jobs are done

wake me up when my shift ends

We sell fish and chips

All the diners lick their lips

wake me up when my shift ends

Here comes plate day again

They go to watch the race

I'm on a split again

I'd prefer a calmer place

On my break i have a rest

I smoke menthols cos they are best

wake me up when my shift ends

I work at the new three mile

I have a laugh and often smile

wake me up when my shift ends

Put out the menus again

Don't forget to wipe them down

wake me up when my shift ends

Here comes Theakstons again

He's always pissed

Brown ale goes to North bar again

On main bar he's sorely missed

I finally get to have a rest

But oh fuck the rota is lost

wake me up when my shift ends

My shift has finally finished

I'm back tomorrow night

wake me up when my shift ends

With Neil and Dep on the door

We'll never see a fight

wake me up when my shift ends

Hello there Jayne

2005-11-08T00:12:00.000Z

If your name is not Jayne....or i've spelt it wrong.............2 things

1) I don't care

and

2) I don't care

Now i know thats only 1 point but i think its such a big it is worth mentioning twice

So Jayne or Jane (whatever) Welcome to my blog i hope your enjoy your MC Gizza Tab experience but not too much as to you slipping on your own excitement.

For everyone else....Jayne is my gaffer (partly) and i'll not hear a bad word said about her

Oh and enjoy my blog...If you don't like it then i'd like to refer you to both my points made at the start of my introduction....(LOOK UP YOU FUCKERS!!!)

On a happier note.....

2005-07-27T14:22:00.000+01:00

After the poem i wrote (underneath this message just scroll down) i thought it would be best to liven the mood with more details from Gran Canaria 2005

I had already mentioned about Richard, laura, martin, emma (butterfly) lauren and charlotte, peter, david, danny and his brother.
Now for more

Let's talk about Andrea (pronounced Ann-dray-a) or Andrex as i called him. He was a decent lad and could play football (especially since he played for Milan's under 18's) but he couldn't hold his drink that well. I 'll never forget one night whilst he was lying on a pool table pissed as a fart trying to sleep it off....that was until Richard came along.....Who began to slap andrex to wake him up (i was pissing myself at this point) he woke up turned over and threw up over the floor (nice huh). I believe this was the same night that David threw up over himself and i had to assist a bar tender to pick him up to take him to the toilet....and David was a heavy lad...not fat but muscly and i was tired so we more or less had to drag him. I liked david but i will admit he did get angry quickly and i think that was because he was protective which i admire. There was one night when i decided to have a talk to the arse known as G-Unit. Now a few nights earlier this knob had shown a pen knife to my face and wanted to know if "I wanted some" had Emma not been there to cool me down i would've been in a fight possibly stabbed (Emma thank you for being there).......Anyway i spoke to him to say that everything was cool (not really) and i didn't want trouble (although part of me did) He then claimed that David was giving him funny looks and he said he would fight david if needs be......I thought to myself "YES" as i knew that David could easily wipe the floor with him....anyway i decided that it would be better to have a quiet night and i had a word with david and told him what he had said and i told david just to ignore the arse which he said he would.........Then G-unit had to be a knob and give David smug looks to which david wasn't happy about......I really thought David would lamp him one....But people came out of the club and nothing happened. So that was that.

Going back to the knife incident i was backed up by Richard, Emma, and Danny's bro (Marikita). Now what pissed me off was that some of our group decided to become friendly with G-unit. What kept going through my mind was this.......If he could show me a knife what was to stop him from getting pissed and stabbing someone who he took offence too or had an argument with!!! I took it upon myself to keep an eye on G-unit everynight at the club i would occasionally look over and be worried for Carly, Nat, Martin, Lauren etc whoever was with him. At the end i was so sick i just let them get on with it......I still class them as my friends...Not G-Unit of course.

Terror in the uk

2005-07-27T14:01:00.000+01:00

After everything that has happened in the past few weeks regarding the bombings and the hunt for the failed bombers it got me thinking and this poem/rap came into my head

There are conspiracy theories but we have the facts
About the cowardly london bombers carrying haversacks
They have a goal - terror and are full of persistence
But everything they have will not destroy our resistance
We will not break and shall never surrender
Not geordies, scousers, brummies or any east ender
We shall unite as one and beat them all
One by one they all shall fall
I have no fear not one wee smidgeon
Of any coward who blame their actions on religion
Their despicable actions are no longer secret
London, Turkey and Egypt
Have all experienced their cowardly acts of death and destruction
But with their might they have stepped up to the plate and began re-construction
As a final thought, Let them worship which ever God they choose
We shall prevail and it shall be the cowards who will loose.

God bless those who have lost those lives and God be with those who have lost loved ones.
London 2005 we will never forget

Back again

2005-07-21T15:03:00.000+01:00

I still wish i was back in Gran canaria. I keep thinking about everything that has happened these past 2 weeks and it's mental. I've made some great if not mental new friends but i've also met someone special.
I never went on holiday looking for a girl...Infact i honestly believed that i was going to be the only teenager there!!!
I first met peter whilst playing water polo who then introduced me to Lauren and Charlottle ( who i affectionately call my daughters)
It was then peter who made it possible to speak to Emma and Martin (Thank god martin looks like someone who drinks in Peter's local)
It was then Emma who a tequila boom boom with Richard who at first thought i was spanish
So that is how i met him and his sister laura.
We then had danny (Micheal jackson) and his brother (Marikita) who were the funniest guys there. And of course his little sister (bless her) who always asked if me and emma were going to the club.
Now Danny and Marikita talked alot to David who in the end really liked Lauren (One of my daughters) I first met david when he was drunk and i had the task of picking him up out of his vomit with the help of a bar man.

I'm beginning to confuse myself now and the web of friendship we had has not yet been fully explained........Ah well i'm not tired at the min and i've got 2 chav girls shouting at each other from one end of the library to the other so i shall go but i will be back

Gran Canaria crew!!!

2005-07-20T16:06:00.000+01:00

Hello, Hola, Bonjour, Alreet!!!!
Hope you all had a great holiday...i did!!!
I'm leaving you all a personal message...it's in alphabetical order so just scroll down. Can't wait to see you all again especially Micheal

Amendine - Je suis desole mais moi francais es n'bien pas. Bonjour/Bonsoir Ca Va
J'espere tu arrive dans tu maison bien. I hope you are ok

Amy - I know i didn't get to talk to you much but i hope your ok and you had a fab holiday

Carly - Hey Gasolina!!!! Just so you know you can actually buy the single over here in HMV. I've got myself a copy and i still don't know the bloody words. It was nice to have met you and i'm looking forward to the next time.

Charlotte - Well what i can i say to you........LEMONS!!!. I thought that you were mad especially when you had a few drinks. You were really quiet when i first met you but by the end you were loud and a good laugh. I suggest you don't drink ANYTHING for awhile ha ha.

Emma - Well butterfly you made my 2 weeks there the best 2 weeks i've ever had. I feel so lucky to have met you and i can assure you that what we started in Gran Canaria is definetly going to continue over here. You are fantastic and i shall miss our little chats on the sun beds under the stars. Can't wait to see you soon Love from Dairylea boy

G-unit - You're a knob. A deluded one at that. And for the record G-unit is a GROUP of BLACK guys from AMERICA. "I don't wear G-unit cos i like G-unit, i wear G-unit cos i AM G-unit". Twat!!!

Jack - For starters mate don't lie to people. You pissed us all of with your lies. Haven't really got much else to say to you.

Laura - Aww bless you were a hoot and i hope you enjoyed the large number of Carribean blues you drank ha ha. Looking forward to seeing you soon

Lauren - HOLA FIESTA BOOM BOOM. I thought i was mad but you pet were "off the hook". I think for my next holiday i'll go to Espana and visit the espanians VIVA LA ESPANIA.

Martin - I've known people to be in some states when drunk but you mate have to be the funniest!!

Natalie - I shall miss you and sophie. I hope you enjoyed the rest of your holiday and was well behaved ha ha

Peter - Puto Puto Marikita!! Ha Ha. How you doing mate? You may think that you were the first to drink a real lager but i'm afraid to tell you that me and emma may have beaten you to it!!! Hope your ok and hope to see you soon

Richard - Esso richie esso richie hey hey, esso richie esso richie hey hey. At the start of the holiday i'll admit i was unsure of you and i didn't trust you but i was proven wrong. You were a great laugh and fuck me you could drink!!! Are you sure you're not really a geordie?? I shall miss our raps but if you have a look around my site you will see some of my work. See you soon mate

I know i have not included everyone on this message but don't worry i shall create a new message very soon watch this space.

Hello to you if you've just come from the WAYN site

2005-06-21T16:03:00.000+01:00

Leave a message here include your email address otherwise we're buggered!!!

Working hard

2005-06-09T14:35:00.000+01:00

I've worked hard just to get to this stage
All i get is critics hating my work, every line and every page
I'm just being me, thats the way i am
if you don't like it, i won't give a dam
I know i'm not THE best that is for sure
But the neverending hate i have doesn't have a cure
So i rhymme and i swear
and i do not fucking care
there are two things that are important to me
and they will always be my friends and family
you hurt them you hurt me too
Then we'll have a problem so what you gonna do?

.....Don't know where this came from but i've put it on here anyway

Open your eyes!!!

2005-06-01T15:47:00.000+01:00

I had a talk with Mr Davies a few nights ago and i came to the conculsion that alot of people are living sheltered lives.....For me it all started when i did my "2omin" slot at the dog and parrot. Now people can call me selfish and stuff but if i have to sit through people doing 25-3omins of poetry why can't they sit through 20mins of me?? It's because i swear, it's because i test the boundaries...i don't go on stage and say how nice life is and talk about love and clouds and stuff...i talk about real stuff...death, drugs, the fact that the pope had died, perverts....STUFF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS....people need to wake up to the fact that life is dark and harrowing and no matter how much you try and sugar coat it by rhymming words it's still dark....I think i might take some Pro plus to my next gig so they WAKE UP!!............Another thing that is bothering me is this...........I'm not a violent man and i can take critiscim really well but at the last show i had a "snide" comment about one of my punch lines......I'll admit it wasn't the funniest joke in the world but i did it the way i wanted it done....and this bloke came up to me with a kinda silver-spoon-born-in-mouth accent and told me how i should've said it.....this is the same bloke who tried to get me off stage at my warm up gig. Now this really pissess me off as i always say to people well done and pat them on the back but this fucking tosser who i have to admit i DON'T find his material uplifting or interesting at all comes up to me and tries to re-arrange my jokes then pissess off with a smug look on his face.....bastard. I mean he's no comedian

Well now thats said......There is some good things that have come from the NWO as i've improved alot since my first gig and i've met some nice genuine people who i believe that they have alot going for them and i'd gladly support them at any show they have - also go for a pint!!
Neil Davies
Bill Harrington
Sarah Millican
and a few others (not many)

Lastly i think that the next slam will be my last with the nwo and i'm hoping to work on some material with Neil and anyone else who would like to try new things (performance wise) and if you are going to the slam then i suggest you take a bible and some ear muffs cos fuck me i'm going to wake you all up on life

Enaged at your age?

2005-05-18T13:48:00.000+01:00

I couldn't believe it when i found out that the "Cap oot girls" were almost married!! Now these fine ladies are still quite young.....not the young that would interest MJ..but young as in teenage years. Now these girls are quite good looking and are in their prime and they've got rings on their fingers and ideas for a hen do in their heads........when i was their age i was still thinking about my A-levels and how badly i've probably done....but these girls are hitched!!!! What's going on in the world????? I mean especially with all these underage kids having sex..what the hell do they do after a shag?? They're not legally allowed to smoke or drink...so all they can do is order a 12" pizza with extra toppings...This world is a disgrace!!! That's me done with putting the world to right

Superheroes

2005-05-14T14:23:00.000+01:00

Its official ladies and Gents...Superheroes are a thing of the past!!!...i've never understood why they are always american. Just imagine Superman when he retires what the hell is he supposed to do? I think his job interview would go something like this.

Interviewer: Good Morning Superman, just for the record can i have your first name?
Superman: Well i'm a bit schizoprenhic so you've got a choice of Clark, Super, or Kal-el
Interviewer: I'll just put Clark...and your last name?
Superman: Ermm....Kent
Interviewer: Ok thank you Mr Kent.....Well how can i help you today?
Superman: I want a job
Interviewer: Have you had any ideas on which sort of career you're interested in?
Superman: Well i've always wanted to be an Astronaut but it's no good since i can fly to the moon anytime i want
Interviewer: Right..anything else you've had in mind?
Superman: Well failing that i was hoping to become a weightlifter..but since that one strand of my hair can lift 500lbs i thought i would have too much of a slight advantage.
Interviewer: Yes i can see that you'd prefer a more challenging career...anything else?
Superman: Well its more of a dream but i'd love to be in the army...but since i can move at the speed of light, i'm totally indestructible and i can shoot beams out of my eyes i thought it would be too easy.
Interviewer: Right so let's sum up your talents shall we..you can fly?
Superman: Yes
Interviewer: You are strong?
Superman: Yes
Interviewer: You can move at the speed of light, you're totally indestructible and you can heat things up
Superman: Yes that's about right
Interviewer: Ever thought about being a builder?

Why is when someone has been bitten or exposed by anything radioactive they turn into a mutant and go about saving the world.....they never think about ringing the NHS do they?

Just some random thoughts i had at 2am whilst smoking dope

2005-05-12T18:14:00.000+01:00

You get jail sentences right?....well if you get say 10 years surely that is more of a jail paragraph than a sentence....and instead of a life sentence you get a dissertation.
I like religious people who come on tv and say things like "DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD!! IF NOT WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU CAME FROM? HUH, HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" well i don't know about you but orignally i came from my dad's happy sack and i got here by hopping on the 24 bus........Americans have Seti to find aliens us brits have sofas......Have you heard the term "Bring your A game?" if you have you should thank your lucky stars your not dyslexic huh. I read a book on speed memory yesterday it was great and things i remember like 10mph, 20mph, 30mph really help me in day to day problems but what really upset me was i was driving down the A1 at about 120mph and this copper caught me on a fucking horse!!!....i bought the horse and won the fucking grand national!!!........If George lucas had been a woman do you think that one of the films would be Star Wars: Attack of the Scones?? It would be if GNER had anything to do with it as those rockhard bastards are lethal......Women never know what they want, you ask them if you can take them down the aisle and they're like "Ooh i'm not ready for that just yet...BUT if you ask to take them UP the aisle they're like oh hell yeah!!!.........Priests are sometimes refered to as Fathers, so does that mean that if they're female you can call them Mum? I'd love to wal;k into confession and say "Mum i couldn't ask for a bit of pocket money could i".........Robin Hood was not male, i very much doubt that his aim was that good, us blokes have shit aims especially when it comes to pissing in the toilet, there's always that little bit of piss that lands on the seat. Well that's it for now

Dis goes oot to dem cap girls

2005-05-11T15:17:00.000+01:00

You know who you are!!! All together now.......Get ya caps oot, get ya caps oot, get ya caps oot for the lads...get your caps oot for the lads

Caps oot!!!!!!

2005-05-11T15:11:00.000+01:00

Now most people like tits, arse and legs. Well i'm more of a caps oot man. Thing is i was at college and these two lovely ladies were walking around with their caps oot....now for everyone who speaks human.....caps oot means "Knee caps out"....and these were nice caps...so i urge all of you to shout "CAPS OOT" when you see a nice pair...let me know their reaction!!!

This is not my work it's something i found and thought it was a great piece....have a look

2005-05-10T15:20:00.000+01:00

The Pardoner's Tale

My story begins in a bar, where three friends

Drink cheap gin and party hard all weekend.

These men were riot-starter types

Who spent the better part of their money on cards and dice,

Livin' the life of loose women and vice,

Pickin' fights, seduced by all seven different types

Of sins: a feeding frenzy of Vengeance,

Vanity, Lust, Greed and Envy.

Devious energy left them half-insane,

Laughing deranged like hyenas at their bastard games;

As each glass was drained and each bet was placed,

They set the pace and left space for their next mistakes.

All excessive waste and drunken rambling,

With eager hands trembling. Eventually gambling

Leads to pan-handling, but that's the price

You pay to cast the dice, and other appetites

Pay the same sacrifice, while the false assumption

Is they help us function, when really it's just a dungeon

Of self-consumption. In other words it's not worth it;

This world is not perfect but it gets worse if

Flesh is the only god you worship. As mortal men you

Need more than the sinews in your corpse to defend you...

But let the story continue, the same as before

Where these three hard-core men drink at the bar.

Someone came in the door and ordered a beer

And told a sad story they were sorry to hear.

Choking on tears, he said, "Death is a thief!

My friend was asleep and his breath just ceased.

May he rest in peace, and never be stressed.

I guess people ever need to be ready to meet Death."

Disrespectfully the three inebriated rioters

Proceeded to curse and debated the guy's words:

"I've heard," stated the first, "enough about Death!

Every town is gripped in his clutches without rest.

What is it about this foe that's so scary? Please,

If an adversary breathes the same air as me

And bleeds, I can bury it; see, fellas what I'm tellin'

You is Death is a villain, and the rest is irrelevant,

So let's go kill him!" When he'd said his piece

The rest agreed, and the three friends hit the streets

And went to seek their destiny and provoke a confrontation,

In a drunken rage, hoping Death would come and face them.

Their intoxication made them sure of their purpose

And fed the infernal furnace of their courage,

A kernel nourished by these three murderous wretches in denial.

Less than a mile into their quest to put Death on trial

They met this guy all wrapped in bandages:

An old handicapped man with disadvantages,

And the three friends examined his bleeding flesh

And demanded he tell them how he was cheating death.

Seeming perplexed the old man responded with soft words

And said, "I walk the earth like a creature God has cursed.

My lot is the worst and most desperate place to be;

I pray faithfully every day for Death to take me,

Waiting patiently, and someday he will arrive,

But in the meantime, until I die, I'm still alive."

In a burst of ill-advised pride the first

Of the three rioters replied, "this guy

Is a spy, or worse! I guess Death is his master

And gives him everlasting life forever after.

A benevolent benefactor perhaps to have protecting you,

But nothing gets a confession faster than weapons do!"

And stepping to this old man with mindless threats

They demanded he tell them where they could find Death,

"Find Death?" laughed the old man, "perhaps you will.

He lives under that tree on that grassy hill."

Ready to kill with their jagged-edged daggers drawn,

The three aggravated braggarts staggered up the lawn,

And without dragging on while the story is told,

Beneath the tree they found a bag filled with glorious gold.

The hoard was more than forty-fold their wildest dreams,

And they smiled like demons hatching violent schemes,

While the steam from their previous plan was dissipated;

They were so fixated on the gold it just abated.

The search for death was traded for work of greater urgency.

Now the worst of the three had the first words to speak,

And said, "certainly it seems fortune gave us this gold

To save us from having to work and slave in the cold,

But fortune favours the bold, and to spend this treasure

On endless pleasures, to begin we'd better

Take preventative measures, 'cause if the switch from poor to rich

Is too disproportionate, law enforcement will get suspicious

How we afforded it, and then we'll pay the price,

So let's sit tight and play this right

We'll wait 'til late at night and if all is not lost,

Under cover of darkness we can haul it all off,

But for now we'll draw straws, since we've got a lot of time,

And one of us can run off and buy a bottle of wine.

The others thought the plot was fine, and trusted its wit,

And the youngest among them drew the cut stick,

And rushed to get booze so this could be celebrated,

As the other two plotted and whispered while they waited.

The worst delegated again and said, "listen friend,

Let's invent a way to get paid a greater dividend.

In the end we can each have half the treasure

If we get our acts together now and take drastic measures."

The other asked incredulously, "how can this be,

When right now we're bound to split the treasure by three?"

"Let's see," said the first with a savage laugh,

"Just imagine the third man gets stabbed in the back.

Now, I'm bad at math, addition and subtraction,

But don't we get to split the treasure in half then?

You distract him when he gets back with the wine,

And I'll make sure our young friend gets stabbed in the spine.

The first attack is mine, then you back me up;

Just slash his gut and add the last cut

To our friend's bad luck," and because of his greed

The other agreed to this covetous deed.

By the trunk of this tree they waited to pounce,

While the youngest of the three made his way into town,

Weighted down by the thought of a whole lotta gold,

Which inaudibly caught ahold of him and gnawed at his soul.

He wanted it so bad he could taste it.

Any part of it shared was like a part of it wasted,

And he harboured a hatred in his heart and decided

Never to let the precious treasure get divided,

And guided by the shine of carnal greed,

He went to buy the wine and then to the pharmacy,

And, sounding harmless, he asked for this black ointment

That he'd seen used in the past as rat poison,

Meaning to trap his boys into drinking tainted wine,

While at the same time thinking, "the game is mine!"

Another famous line that became his last words,

'Cause when he got back the others acted first,

And stabbed him mercilessly with vicious blows,

And since the kid was quick to give up the ghost,

They proposed a victory toast to the crime,

And both enjoyed a glass of the poisoned wine,

And collapsed, going blind, in a fit of convulsions,

Which halted their pulses and ultimately resulted in

Their spirits' expulsions, and because of their greed

They did indeed find Death under the tree.

Have you got the right time?

2005-05-10T15:03:00.000+01:00

Doesn't that piss you off when people ask you "Have you got the right time on you mate?". As if you're going to have a watch that shows the time on saturn. Do they actually want an exact time? If yes don't you think that if you said it's 12:47pm and 23.5 seconds they'd hit you? Speaking of hitting people this world is getting more and more violent, only yesterday i walked into asda and punched someone......well ok i didn't but the premise was there....the story continues.........why do i actually put the story continues as each article is not linked to anything so infact the story has ended.....or has it not begun? As always answers on a postcard to the usually address

Time to make a change

2005-05-10T09:06:00.000+01:00

Hear me now...Gizzatab here like ya knaa.....I'm feeling that my singular comedy career is flagging a bit like...so i'm hoping to work with people to create a group of elite performers here in the north east....Anyone up for it? Let me know if you know of anyone you know who know about performing their piece......I know that had too many knows and not enough yes's....ah well the story continues

I've voted and nowt has happened

2005-05-07T22:14:00.000+01:00

Most people...although not those living in council houses... pay for their tv license. Now we pay out the arse for these so called highly entertaning and thought inducing shows of our society....and what do we get bloody Hells Kitchen or Wife Swap which to me sounds like it should be on the late night adult channel.....every bloke has watched the adult channel...well the 1omin freeview at least....but the freeview is bollocks....you expect to see some hardcore sex with gimps and cucumbers and stuff and what do we see....the bloody telephone number and some neatly porportioned bint telling us about the ways we can pay...now i'm no expert on the british language but surely FREEview means we can view the channel for free!!! Am i wrong? I mean fair enough they want to stop 15year old schoolkids who stay up to on the offchance they might see some tits, from watching it but surely we could sue them under the Trade Descriptions Act couldn't we?? As usual all answers on a post card to the usual address........Now getting back to the title of this view on society "I've voted and nowt has happened" i was expecting Labour to win and glad they did but since Blair went back to number 10 this country suddenly hasn't changed for the better has it....I know things take time but their slogan "Look forward not back" takes the piss because i've been looking forward to things changing for us piss poor students for ages and nothing has happened it feels like i've gone to amsterdam for a weekend away to the Red light district...and it's shut...Know what i mean?

Feel free to look at my work but i please do not copy and paste it

2005-05-07T20:02:00.000+01:00

If you do want a copy of it please send me a message first and don't just copy and paste trying to make it look like your own work. I've performed most of this stuff months ago and have witnesses so write your own stuff but leave mine alone. Thank you

Another day, same stuff

2005-05-05T21:35:00.000+01:00

As a final thought for tonight...oh god i'm turning into Jerry Springer but i'm not jewish. Not that i'm religionist....kinda of racist against relgion...i just hate it all. If there is a god why did he create gingers??...It's a question i've asked myself a few times whilst trying to change the colour using pure bleach.....I have actually used bleach before...not by choice but that what happens when stevie wonder is your hairdresser.

Now my sexuality is in question by Mr Mystery

2005-05-05T17:45:00.000+01:00

I created this blog to show some of my recent work as well as old stuff and all i asked was some constructive comments and all i get is someone who isn't brave enough to actually write their name, call me gay. Well apart from the fact that i've probably had more women than he's had hot dinners and i've got a girlfriend i very much doubt i'm gay.......unless he actually wants me to be gay so i'd look at him sexually???? Hmmm sorry boy i'm not interested.

Finally i get a message but the twat didn't leave his/her/it's name

2005-05-04T15:40:00.000+01:00

Whoever wrote...and i quote "You try 2 hard U gay chav no 1 likes u dick!" i would just like to say thanks for that....really i mean it....i thought i was the stupid one and then this person shows up tries to be cool by using "2" instead of typing "too" and "1" instead of "one" but then again at their special school they probably don't allow the patients to use the computer for too long. It's a shame that the mystery person didn't leave their name especially since according to "them" nobody likes me which is odd since i've been invited to do my own show around different parts of the north east i wonder what they do???...ah well.......The story continues

As yet untitled

2005-05-03T20:42:00.000+01:00

Day 221334 in the Big Brother house and Davina McCall is still on tv.
I've sometimes wondered what it would be like to be in the BB house......then i realised its like being in prison but with votes. The only reality show i watch is about blokes knocking seven bells out of each other....no not John Prescott's campaign trail......I mean the Contender on ITV2. Anyone else watch it?...on second thought is anyone reading this?

A change has to be made

2005-05-01T21:00:00.000+01:00

I'm going through some changes not felt since my bollocks rose up into me when i was 13....i suppose thats what you get when you tell a copper to lick his own arse. It's strange i'm neither happy nor sad...It feels like a void......I've got a feeling that something extreme is going to happen and i'm going to be the cause of it........I don't understand it so i very much doubt you do...But on the off chance that you do then please send all answers on a postcard to the usual address

I feel different...slighty hated

2005-04-29T21:45:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary
Got up this morning, went to the job centre and on my way there i saw 8 aliens land in a spaceship which shocked me...i never usually go to the job centre. Took part in a slam last night....well i was more the token warm up guy. It was good, had a laugh....don't know about the audience but then again they were all charvar hating bastards. I think i might go back next time and do stuff i wasn't able to do...depends on whether or not i'm in some kind of institute at the time.
With me being a bit of a twat i was shouting out between acts to liven up the crowd...didn't work and people were resenting me...But like i say they were all charvar hating bastards.
I think that's enough for now...I'm the only gadgy who reads this anyway so it doesn't matter

Hear me now!!!!!!

2005-04-26T13:25:00.000+01:00

I don't feel any love on here...Where are all the charva haters?? Make some noise if y'all can hear me....M-C -G-I-ZEE-ZEE-A-TEE-A-B MC Gizza tab is my name, i'm using this blog for real it ain't no game. Show your hate or love for this. leave anything you want...you could even take the p**s

Charva/Dumb

2005-04-21T09:38:00.000+01:00

Intro: Thank you, thank you ,thank you my name is MC Gizza Tab and I’m a charva from Regent Centre

Chorus:
I’m a Charver, Giz a draw
I’m not the only Charv, trust me there’s more
Here, lend us a tab mate, tar
What the hell are you staring at us for?
I’ve nicked a few things, I’ll nick some more
So please all the charvas make some noise!!

Verse 1
I’m a charver not a townie or chav
There’s nothing I can’t nick, tack, steal or have
I, Spread around my disease that’s Venereal
Shag a slappa, back home for cereal
Alpen, Coco Pops, Bran Flakes
Been drinking since I was 6
I’m getting shakes
On a Friday night drinking white lighting
Gan into toon look for Goths, Begin fighting
Stealing cars is an absolute must
Just hope we divvin’t get sussed (get sussed)
I’m a lasses bloke who’s completely hetero
I listen to dance music but not on metro
There’s only one station that gives me my fix
Galaxy 105 and 106
Nah mate I’m not oot tonight I’m skint
Where ya gannin? Ikon? Ah Pure Mint!

Chorus:
I’m a Charver, Giz a draw
I’m not the only Charv, trust me there’s more
Here, lend us a tab mate, tar
What the hell are you staring at us for?
I’ve nicked a few things, I’ll nick some more
So please all the charvas make some noise!!

Verse 2[sighs]

Look what you made me do, look what I stole for you

Knew if I paid for my shoes, how will they look for you

When you first come into the Ikon, they try to fleece you

Get kicked out early and drink in the streets

From Kenton to Eldon Square

To the only thing that matters in just a matter of years (yea)

I’ll be in jail for being underage drinking beers or being stoned on an all time high, nearly time to say goodbye
I’ll be back it’s someone else’s time to shine

Verse 3
Why am I being nice to you?I should aim at you, pick up a glass and fuckin glass you I’m a charva rapper in my late teens I laughed when Bowyer started to fight his own team

but I need you to remember one thing (one thing) I came, I saw, I conquered

From performing on the street, to this here concert

So ya Radge bastard if you like this Charvar I need you to scream, 'til your lungs get sore

I'm tired of being shown on itv

Being on, crimestoppers

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of not wearing burberry

(My car has just been towed, My car has just been towed)

Every car that I take is another crime to you

(In some slag I’ve shot my load, in some slag I shot my load)

And every tab I waste is more than I can take

I've become so Dumb but I don’t care

About the election or Tony blair

I swear all the time turn the air blue If you divvn’t like this then fuck you (like)

I've become so Dumb I’m a charva, gizza draw (more...)

I've become so Dumb

Now for the last time I need y'all to roar

Rendition of Usher's "Yeah"

2005-04-21T09:36:00.000+01:00

Aye, Aye Aye, Aye Aye, Ayee
Aye, Aye Aye, Aye Aye, Ayee
I'm in Ikon with my charvas, tryna get a cider, wearing my burberry, cause i like how it feels.
Shelly she was checkin up on me, wearing fred perry shouting Ho man you would think that she knew me.
So we popped a pill
Fuck me she was heavy, she looked like she's got 2 months to go!
(Oh Shit!, Oh Shit!)
She saying come get me, come get me,
So I got up and followed her to the bar, got a drink she said tar,
When I told her I said
aye (aye) Shelly got down and howay like
aye (aye) I got so caught up I forgot she wore nike
aye (aye) Her and my ex used to be the best of mates
aye (aye) Next thing I knew she was all up on me screaming:
Yeah, Yeah yeah, Yeah yeah, Yeaah
Yeah, Yeah yeah, Yeah yeah, Yeaah
Watch out!
My tracksuit’s not ridiculous, In the Ikon lookin' so conspicuous.
And Ho! These slags al on the prowl, I’m not that desperate but I’ll shag the cow.
Forget about the game although I love the toon, I won't stop till I get her in her birthday suit.
So gimmie a rhythm and it'll be off with her clothes, I’ll bend her over to the front and make her touch her toes.
I left the Fiesta and I took the roles, if they aint putting out then I put em on foot patrol.
How you like me now, when my sovereign’s valued over three hundred thousand,
She was a real hard one to please, when I took her on a date to maccy d's.
I’m a charva once more and i leave em dead, we want a lass in the street but a slag in the bed to say

Lad's night out

2005-04-21T09:29:00.000+01:00

A typical lads night out starts with the 3 s’
Shit Shower and Shave
They put their shirt, jeans on but no coat and to their partners they do so wave.
They go into town with their mates for a few laughs and a couple of pints
They touch up other bloke’s missus and start a couple of fights
They crawl out of bar after bar and eat a grease filled kebab
Stagger into the taxi queue whilst lighting a tab
They shuffle in their pocket to pay the fare with loose bits of change
Although their hand-eye co-ordination is ever so slightly out of range
Outside the taxi they wake the neighbours who now begin to moan
“IT’S HALF PAST 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A TRAFFIC CONE!!!

Jerry Jerry Jerry

2005-04-21T09:28:00.000+01:00

Jerry Springer

Why don’t we have the same show in this country?
On a morning on BBC 1 watch a lad confess he slept with his mum
Find out a blind man has married a horse
This only happens in America of course
It would be fun to see dwarves who strip and Bisexual trannys
And men who get their kicks from sleeping with grannys
(wayne rooney)
If I was on the show what would I confess………

I get my kicks from wearing a dress

Why do mums cut their kids hair????

2005-04-21T09:27:00.001+01:00

This, I think, is what kids would love to say to their Mum after she has cut their hair

Mum look I’d hate to be blunt
But this style you’ve given me makes me look a right cunt.
Do you have any idea about cutting hair?
Why have you done this to me? It just isn’t fair!.
Mum you might as well just shoot me now with a bullet
Because there’s no chance in hell I’m going to school with this mullet
I know I’m your little prince
But I can’t understand why you’ve given me a blue rinse
You said it would be ok as you used a pair of scissors and a comb
But I’m never going outside again. I’m staying at home
Mum don’t you understand that that the boys at school are quite big
They’ll hit me and taunt me so lend me your wig
I’m going back to bed and I don’t care if you scream and yell
Because quite frankly dear mother you’ve made my life hell

God Bless the Royal Wedding

2005-04-21T09:27:00.000+01:00

Being Patriotic with our England flags
I don’t know why
The royal family are slags
Speaking of slags. Charles is marrying Camilla
What does he see in that deformed love child of King Kong and Godzilla?
It’s a mismatched version of Blind date hosted by Cilla
Hopefully he a few years he might try and kill ‘er
She’ll never be as popular as our English rose
There are loads of theories of how she died
Only MI5 really knows
I know what I’m saying could be considered as brash
But you’ll know that I’m right
If sometime tonight
I’m involved in a high speed car crash.

Supermarket Loving

2005-04-21T09:26:00.000+01:00

Supermarket Loving

This is dedicated to any man that has tried to find love in a supermarket.

Hello Gorgeous my name is Reg
Would you like a quick fumble amongst the fruit and Veg?
No, No, No dear I was getting the Tomato sauce
I had no intention of grabbing your nice arse

Ah are you the manager? Well hello what’s your name? Sue
Well can I just say I think you’re quite fit too
I’m not usually this forward but now I think I might
Give serious thought of sleeping with you tonight

Hold on what do you mean I’m barred
It’s supermarket not a pub you sexy security guard
Hello officer I didn’t think they would call the police
All I did was put my hand up her fleece

Hello mother I’ve sent you an email with an attachment
Apparently I’m being accused of sexual harassment
I wasn’t even sexually explicit to her
What I need now is a really good solicitor.

Oh hello yes I know I maybe taken to court but its ok
What time do you finish work anyway?
Its fine I don’t bear a grudge
Even though now I’m up in front of a judge

All I said and did, was to me, on a small scale
But now I’ve been convicted and sent away to jail
The female wardens here are quite tough
But you know…. I like my bit of rough

I’ve done a few years inside and have now been released
But in my local paper I’ve been labelled a sex beast.
These feelings of wanting women I’m slowly beginning to master
But that’s the last fucking time I ever go to Asda!!

1st poem/Rap....Don't bother stealing it!!!!

2005-04-21T09:22:00.000+01:00

Girls, Girls, Girls

Girls, girls, girls a lovely bit of fanny
Last time I chatted a girl up she turned out to be a tranny.
At first I was naïve then suffered a bit of a shock
As I found she had fake breasts…..and a massive cock.
At the sight of it winking at me I legged it out and up the road
And sad to say that night I didn’t shoot my load
It would’ve been nice to get some hot loving action
But what I got was far from satisfaction
And due to all this my manly pride has began to soften
So ladies please don’t take offence
If I try to cop a feel more often.

Alreet ya Charva hating gadgey's

2005-04-20T21:42:00.000+01:00

Hear me now!!! MC Gizza Tab is here and is here to stay...unless i get arrested...You know the score...Leave me messages and i'll leave songs and poems. Reet!!!!!